it's funny how many things look ridiculous that you once enjoyed/found important a week before you had to live without them and experience the REALLY important things.
needless to say, today was a rough day.
don't get me wrong, i loved seeing my kids for the first time in a week and holding them and kissing them and smelling them and looking at their faces and re-memorizing every inch of them. i loved taking a hot shower and not worrying about accidentally getting the water in my eyes or mouth. i loved stopping at whataburger from the airport and not having to ask for 'no ice' in my drink or having to remove the lettuce and tomatoes from my burger. i loved that my husband bought me roses and my favorite dessert and he patiently looked at my 3,458 pictures (give or take a few, j/k) as i told him every single orphan's name and their story or laughed at inside jokes from the pictures. i loved being home and being able to speak English and not having to think how to say things in Spanish.
but, some things today were just STUPID! i couldn't help but transfer my mind back to Guatemala and think how ridiculous some of my activities, actions, amenities were today in light of where i was and what i was doing and who i was hugging yesterday. it's so surreal!!!!
don't get me wrong - again - i had the absolute BEST mission trip in the world. maybe that's why it's so hard to just come back home and resume my life as it was before.
right before we got on the van which drove us to the Guatemala City airport, the last orphan to arrive at the home was crying and saying over and over again that he wanted to go, he didn't want to be there. tears were streaming down his cheeks. i told him that all the mama workers loved him and that he'd be going to school with all the other kids soon and that it was okay to be sad and miss his recently deceased father. but the most important thing i mustered for him was that God loved him and it would be okay - but what kid is comforted by those worlds when he has just lost his family and has been made to come live in a new place with strangers?!
again - don't get me wrong! - i believe what i said and it was the truth, but in light of his temporary suffering and the reality of his future...it was a somber way to leave the orphanage. the orphanage we went to was really awesome. it's way better than government run orphanages (as is my understanding and from heresay), and there are missionaries working for his best interest and, even better, they've got God working through them for His glory. but, that little boy is stuck there now - without a family, with 39 other kids with similar or worse backgrounds, under the care of mama workers who may be there because they love the kids or they just want to keep food on their tables.
how can i enjoy a cooking class where mentors are teaching me how to make a delicious herb-crusted, garlic&herb stuffed pork loin with horseradish red potatoes with spinach and artichoke casserole after seeing that boy's life turned upside down and be orphaned as he calls out to me over and over again, I WANT TO GO HOME!?
i'm having re-entry failure.
at dinner at a MOPS testimony event tonight, my travel-mate was recounting one of the best experiences of the trip and i just had to shut my eyes as the tears came in droves down my face. i wanted to transport myself back to that moment and freeze time so i could be in Guatemala. it feels weird calling this place (my home) home when my heart is still waiting for it's ride to the airport and sitting right outside the orphanage.
i know God is working in me right now. i feel the painful sawing of my rough edges and preconceived notions and biases being chiseled off. i know this trip is making me a better person, but it hurts. reverse culture shock.
needless to say, today was a rough day.
don't get me wrong, i loved seeing my kids for the first time in a week and holding them and kissing them and smelling them and looking at their faces and re-memorizing every inch of them. i loved taking a hot shower and not worrying about accidentally getting the water in my eyes or mouth. i loved stopping at whataburger from the airport and not having to ask for 'no ice' in my drink or having to remove the lettuce and tomatoes from my burger. i loved that my husband bought me roses and my favorite dessert and he patiently looked at my 3,458 pictures (give or take a few, j/k) as i told him every single orphan's name and their story or laughed at inside jokes from the pictures. i loved being home and being able to speak English and not having to think how to say things in Spanish.
but, some things today were just STUPID! i couldn't help but transfer my mind back to Guatemala and think how ridiculous some of my activities, actions, amenities were today in light of where i was and what i was doing and who i was hugging yesterday. it's so surreal!!!!
don't get me wrong - again - i had the absolute BEST mission trip in the world. maybe that's why it's so hard to just come back home and resume my life as it was before.
right before we got on the van which drove us to the Guatemala City airport, the last orphan to arrive at the home was crying and saying over and over again that he wanted to go, he didn't want to be there. tears were streaming down his cheeks. i told him that all the mama workers loved him and that he'd be going to school with all the other kids soon and that it was okay to be sad and miss his recently deceased father. but the most important thing i mustered for him was that God loved him and it would be okay - but what kid is comforted by those worlds when he has just lost his family and has been made to come live in a new place with strangers?!
again - don't get me wrong! - i believe what i said and it was the truth, but in light of his temporary suffering and the reality of his future...it was a somber way to leave the orphanage. the orphanage we went to was really awesome. it's way better than government run orphanages (as is my understanding and from heresay), and there are missionaries working for his best interest and, even better, they've got God working through them for His glory. but, that little boy is stuck there now - without a family, with 39 other kids with similar or worse backgrounds, under the care of mama workers who may be there because they love the kids or they just want to keep food on their tables.
how can i enjoy a cooking class where mentors are teaching me how to make a delicious herb-crusted, garlic&herb stuffed pork loin with horseradish red potatoes with spinach and artichoke casserole after seeing that boy's life turned upside down and be orphaned as he calls out to me over and over again, I WANT TO GO HOME!?
i'm having re-entry failure.
at dinner at a MOPS testimony event tonight, my travel-mate was recounting one of the best experiences of the trip and i just had to shut my eyes as the tears came in droves down my face. i wanted to transport myself back to that moment and freeze time so i could be in Guatemala. it feels weird calling this place (my home) home when my heart is still waiting for it's ride to the airport and sitting right outside the orphanage.
i know God is working in me right now. i feel the painful sawing of my rough edges and preconceived notions and biases being chiseled off. i know this trip is making me a better person, but it hurts. reverse culture shock.