i cannot believe it's been two weeks since i was in guatemala. i really feel changed - and i'm not done yet and i don't want to be done. people are still asking me about my trip and i feebily cannot muster the appropriate positive and excited emotional response about it.
that's not to say it wasn't a positive and exciting time for me - on the contrary - it really really was, and trying to share everything that has rooted in my heart is difficult. i don't want to appear like a tourist - because that's not what it was at all! we had an amazing week - fabulous. some work, some play, and great relationships built within our team and with the missionaries.
but i will be forever grateful for our last moments at Eagle's Nest. we were flying high, readying ourselves to leave guatemala and return home to our families, so many positive, wonderful experiences overwhelming our hearts. as we waited outside the children's home for our driver who'd be taking us to guatemala city, we left our light luggage on the sidewalk and decided to take one last opportunity to love on some of the babies in the orphanage.
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we walked in and saw the sweet trio of lizzy, dulce, and marisol, and of course sweet maria was there too to give us lots of elbow and hand kisses and hugs and wanting us to flip her. but there was another boy there too...polo. and he wasn't responding to our presence with smiles and hugs, no, he was sitting on a stool crying. at first we left him alone, not sure why he was crying...but he was sitting near the door, so as we prepared to leave, we stopped to find out what was wrong.
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polo had arrived at Eagle's Nest while we were there. his father had died just 2 weeks before and his stepmother had been hurting him. he arrived dirty, frowning, and calling for his father. he tried to run away the next day, but he was quickly found and brought back to the home and given lots of hugs and cookies. and then the following evening was our pajama gifting and we gave him a pair, too. he lit up like christmas and was as happy as could be. how silly of us to think that a roof over his head, clean clothes, food, and some new pajamas would be enough.
that's not to say it wasn't a positive and exciting time for me - on the contrary - it really really was, and trying to share everything that has rooted in my heart is difficult. i don't want to appear like a tourist - because that's not what it was at all! we had an amazing week - fabulous. some work, some play, and great relationships built within our team and with the missionaries.
but i will be forever grateful for our last moments at Eagle's Nest. we were flying high, readying ourselves to leave guatemala and return home to our families, so many positive, wonderful experiences overwhelming our hearts. as we waited outside the children's home for our driver who'd be taking us to guatemala city, we left our light luggage on the sidewalk and decided to take one last opportunity to love on some of the babies in the orphanage.
we walked in and saw the sweet trio of lizzy, dulce, and marisol, and of course sweet maria was there too to give us lots of elbow and hand kisses and hugs and wanting us to flip her. but there was another boy there too...polo. and he wasn't responding to our presence with smiles and hugs, no, he was sitting on a stool crying. at first we left him alone, not sure why he was crying...but he was sitting near the door, so as we prepared to leave, we stopped to find out what was wrong. 
polo had arrived at Eagle's Nest while we were there. his father had died just 2 weeks before and his stepmother had been hurting him. he arrived dirty, frowning, and calling for his father. he tried to run away the next day, but he was quickly found and brought back to the home and given lots of hugs and cookies. and then the following evening was our pajama gifting and we gave him a pair, too. he lit up like christmas and was as happy as could be. how silly of us to think that a roof over his head, clean clothes, food, and some new pajamas would be enough. i knelt down and looked in polo's eyes and spoke in my basic Spanish:
-what's wrong?
-i don't want to be here. i want to go. (tears)
-what's wrong, polo?
-i want to go! (looking in my eyes - more tears)
with my limited Spanish and hurting heart, i tried to encourage him:
-soon you'll get to go to school with the other children, and the mama workers love you.
-i want to go. (tears)
then, a flood of compassion filled me and the Spirit spoke to my heart and reminded me of why i came to guatemala.
-polo, Jesus loves you. it's going to be okay.
i believe the children knew we were there because of the Lord - like all their short-term mission trip visitors, but i hadn't said as such to them. and here i was, my last opportunity to share Jesus' love, and i was reminded that was the most important thing i could do with my time in guatemala - show and tell of Jesus' love for them!
polo was still crying when we left. i don't think he was comforted by my bad Spanish or the mentioning of Jesus. but, boy was it a wonderful way to leave the orphanage - with the reminder that, even though these children have a good orphanage, clean clothes, food, education, etc., it is not enough. they deserve more. they deserve a loving family.
of course, in the meantime, it is a blessing to be where they are as God has looked after them. but, i am so grateful for the reminder and that it wasn't just a smiling-everything's-just-fabulous face that was our last one to see. God desires more for us - to look after the orphans in a way that He would be pleased.
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it's been two weeks. the first week was a real tough transition. seeing everything we have and take for granted...listening to the whoas of friends, going to a grocery store stocked so full it could vomit, hearing my children whine about their toys... BUT - i was more patient with my children, i prayed for my friends and their needs - regardless of their seemingly small matters because they mattered to them and therefore mattered to God, and i bought the necessary food i needed but not the unnecessary.
but on week two, i became weak. i endulged in things i said i didn't want to. i got angry and yelled at my children again. i flared in moral righteousness and looked down my nose on things that i am guilty of too! what had happened to me so quickly after my heart had felt change?! it's so easy to resist change. it's so easy to return to the cultural/spiritual norm.
part of the trouble with me not sharing my trip's experiences with others is that i haven't allowed them the opportunity to experience a little part of it for themselves through me...and therefore haven't re-experienced the emotions and change in myself. God's not finished with me yet, and i still feel his calling in me to something greater/bigger, even through my weakness. it's in my weakness that He is strong. it's in the tears of an orphan that He is working.
i'm ready God! gently continue to change me, mold me, move me closer to You through my experiences. and please don't let the weeks make me weak!